The Boys are Back
by jade alpha
Summary: Olivia Dunham gets a visit from two very drunk Bishop boys in the early hours of the morning. Just some hilarity. One-shot. Takes place anytime.


One AM. Olivia Dunham stood by her closed door, listening to the two drunks making their way painstakingly up her front steps, singing at the top of their lungs. She'd have been annoyed if it wasn't so damned funny.

_'Guess who just got back today! Those Bishop boys that've been away… haven't changed, haven't much to say – but man I still think them cats are crazy!'_

She smiled at their voices. Peter and Walter were surprisingly good at holding a note, even when totally hammered. They were doing Thin Lizzy justice.

_'They were askin' if Olivia was around… How she was, where she could be found… Told 'em she was livin' downtown – drivin' all the old men crazy!'_

She flung her door open finally and stood, trying to look stern, while fighting the smirk that twitched at the corners of her lips.

'Diss Munham!' Walter exclaimed in delight, hanging off Peter's shoulder for support. Peter burst into hysterical laughter.

'You two realize what time it is?' She asked.

'It's time…' Peter giggled, 'for you to arrest this diabolical madman of a father of mine!' He grabbed hold of Walter and shook him. Walter laughed so hard Olivia thought he might suffocate.

'You're going to wake up my whole neighbourhood.'

'I don't care… I want 'em all to hear this, this… this man… _poisoned me_!' Peter shook his head and waved his hand absently. 'No… don't answer that question. It's not my business.'

Olivia gave up and began to laugh. 'You'd better come inside!'

Walter beamed stupidly. 'Oh wonderful!' He clumsily pulled a small foil-wrapped object out of his pocket and fumbled it into Peter's hand. 'You'll need this, son.'

Peter stared at the condom for a moment as though unsure of what it was, then broke down into another fit of snorting red-faced laughter.

Rolling her eyes, Olivia pulled the two Bishop men inside and closed her door, just as lights were coming on in houses up and down her street. She turned to face them. 'Now what's…?'

_'The boys are back in town! Dah da da da da da dah… The boys are back in town…' _Father and son sang, arms wrapped around each other's shoulders as their feet shuffled awkwardly in the dance of the heavily intoxicated.

'Oh no…' Olivia muttered rubbing her forehead in amused exasperation.

Peter shrugged his father off and dumped him on Olivia's couch before meandering over to her and extending his hand. 'Dance with me, 'Livia,' he slurred.

'You're crazy,' she said, taking his hand in spite of herself and letting him wrap his other around her back.

'No, I'm blind roaring eneebri… enibri… drunk,' he replied into the side of her neck. 'And through no fault of my own… fault!'

'No? Well you smell like a brewery.'

'The atomized molecules cling to the clothes!' Walter piped up from his slumped position on the couch. 'Stupor-endous, isn't it!'

Olivia pulled back to look Peter in his bloodshot eyes. 'What's he talking about?' she asked, gently grabbing his arm and moving his hand from the position it had taken on her butt.

'He built a machine,' Peter explained, swaying with her unsteadily. 'Said it was an air ionizer. But it actually vaporized vodka into a… well, a vapor. _He made the air in the lab alcoholic!_ I didn't realize what was happening until I was dancing on a workbench with one of the University's model skeletons. Don't worry…' He added earnestly. 'Nothing happened. Too boney for my tastes.' He buried his face into her shoulder and laughed so hard his knees almost gave out.

'Yes! Alcohol without liquid!' Walter bellowed triumphantly. 'It was such a merarkable concept I had to give it a try! The alcohol is delivered with accompanying oxygen directly into the bloodstream, thus reducing the likelihood of being over-hung!'

'Hung-over,' Peter corrected. His hand had slipped back down to Olivia's butt, and she moved it again. 'You see the kind of things I have to deal with, sweetheart?'

'Yeah, you're really having a terrible time. I feel for you.' Olivia smirked at him.

He sighed. 'Oh… Astrid's going to be pissed tomorrow.'

Olivia stared at him. 'Astrid?'

Peter stared back. 'What about her?' he asked.

'Peter, was Astrid at the lab when Walter filled it with atomized vodka?'

'Oh yeah… we left her there.'

'You _left her_?'

'She's fine.' Peter waved away her concern. 'The cow's looking after her.'

Olivia stepped out of his grip and collected her car keys. 'You two… just stay here and keep an eye on each other,' she told the two men. Shaking her head, she left and went to her car.

Walter shook his head at Peter and made a tutting noise. 'Crash and burn,' he muttered, and collapsed back into the couch.

The lab still had a faint smell of alcohol when Olivia arrived to find Astrid in her bra and panties lying asleep across Gene's back. She helped her down from the rather indifferent cow and checked to see if she was alright.

'Agent Dunham,' the junior agent mumbled in her stupor. 'Are you joining the party?'

'Come on,' Olivia said, 'let's get you dressed and home.' While Astrid tottered about looking for her discarded garments, Olivia found the alcohol-vaporizing device Peter had described. A small innocuous cylinder with a vent on top. With a smirk, she quietly confiscated it.

_Could come in handy sometime_, she figured.

After taking the giggling and semi-conscious junior agent home and making sure she got inside, Olivia wearily returned to her apartment to find the elder Bishop on her couch muttering in his sleep. Peter, it turned out, had found his way to her bedroom and was passed out stomach-down on top of her comforter.

Lacking the energy or inclination to do anything about it, she kicked off her shoes with a sigh and crawled in beside him.

Morning broke and Peter Bishop's eyes snapped open, his pupils dilating. He rolled over in sudden horror and looked at the woman beside him.

'You snore,' Olivia observed, deadpan.

'I'll kill him,' Peter said. 'This time, I'm really going to kill him.


End file.
